New Friendship Tips

How often do we hear the statement from single people looking for new dates: "I'm seeking friendship first" because they like to get to 'know' the person before delving into anything more intimate. Men in particular, who fear commitment, love to hide behind this condition, while never really achieving their aim. But is such 'friendship' possible? Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? Let's look at the evidence.

Once I got talking online to a seemingly kindly man who fancied me. I explained clearly on the phone that I liked his personality but not enough to take it any further and I didn't think it was a good idea to meet. He felt I was judging him from afar and that I should give him some chance to prove himself, especially when he was merely inviting me to lunch. He was sure that, if I was proved right, we could at least 'be friends'. I was not sure about that but felt I ought to give him the benefit of the doubt to meet up and allow the situation to unfold.

In the end he was old-fashioned in his views, stuck in the past wishing for the 'good old days' and rather mean in affirming people, while being quick with criticism. I didn't warm to him at all and the great personality didn't seem so great in close-up! He also kept grabbing my hand to hold it and I wasn't impressed as I dislike physical contact when I don't feel comfortable. I reminded him of what I had said on the phone and he left the date promising to be 'friends' but was noticeably peeved that I wasn't more amenable to his overtures. I never heard from him again, which did not really surprise me, because his desire for friendship was not genuine in the first place. It was a way to get nearer to me to help me change my mind about him. His ego was hurt and, as 'friendship' was not what he really sought, he didn't care to keep the connection, even though we had shared a very good rapport. And that's what happens in most instances like these. It is difficult to be friends when you fancy the person and wish to get closer to them but they are holding you at arms' length, or vice versa. It is a clear mismatch, and in any mismatch one person is losing out, so friendship isn't possible because it has an unequal and superficial foundation.

The Basis of Genuine Friendship

Genuine friendship originates from understanding another's needs and aspirations and appreciating their pain and joy. It comes out of being able to empathise with them, in both good and bad times. Such knowledge and response are not possible until one knows another for a while and feels comfortable with their presence. Thus true friendship is highly unlikely with anyone we do not know well. When it comes to members of the opposite sex, or instances where there is clear attraction, friendship is the last thing on the cards because the feelings of attraction will overwhelm all other platonic ones and get in the way of real friendship developing.

When we fancy someone we can always fool ourselves that should the fancying not prove mutual, it can then turn into friendship and everyone will be happy. But this seldom happens between two strangers seeking to be affirmed and valued by one another. In any failure to have mutual attraction, one person is bound to feel rejected and so friendship is unlikely in such a scenario because he/she will not feel motivated to get to know the other any better. Their sense of rejection will propel them elsewhere to get the affirmation they seek.

Controlling Factors

Another reason for seeking 'friendship' in the first instance is the desire for control. To prevent being 'hurt', some people believe that seeking friendship first keeps pain at bay. But if there is going to be hurt, no amount of having friendship at the beginning is going to stave off the pain. Such hurt usually comes when we are at the familiar stage in relationships; when we take each other for granted or when one or both parties begin to lose their appeal. Not at the start of the relationship. So seeking friendship first is really delaying the inevitable in a superficial way, especially where one fears commitment, and has little to do with the desire for real friendship. We cannot replace sexual feelings with friendship because friendship is enduring while fancying someone is likely to be fleeting. Putting the two together is a contradiction in itself, especially when true friendship is only possible when the heady feelings of romance have taken their course and we appreciate the person as someone truly valuable in our journey because we have grown to like/love them more.

Next time you are seeking friendship first, ask yourself why you need tons of 'friends' instead of lovers. You might be surprised by the answers you get. Not only that, look back at all the dates that have failed to live up to expectations and count up all the real friendships that emerged from them. You are likely to find that once there was any kind of rejection involved, friendship would be the last thing anyone wanted at the time!

ELAINE SIHERA (Ms Cyprah - http://www.myspace.com/elaineone) is a media contributor and columnist for Black Britain Online. The first Black graduate of the OU and a post-graduate of Cambridge University, Elaine is a CONSULTANT for Diversity Management, Personal Empowerment and Relationships. Dynamic extrovert with a passion for living and people. An intelligent, confident expert who enjoys every aspect of life. Author of: 10 Easy Steps to Growing Older Disgracefully; 10 Easy Steps to Finding Your Ideal Soulmate!; Money, Sex & Compromise and Managing the Diversity Maze, among others. Also the founder of the British Diversity Awards and the Windrush Achievement Awards. She describes herself as "Fit, Fabulous, Over-fifty and Ready to Fly!" QUOTE: "I do not wish to be any other age because my life at 25 was nowhere as exciting and enjoyable as my life at 50. One thing is certain: no genteel ageing for me - I'll be going there disgracefully and enjoying every minute!"

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Opposite sex friendships outside of marriage. I'd say this is one of the biggest causes of marriage problems couples face today. Many couples have a troubled marriage due to this issue.

So, should your spouse have opposite sex friends? If so, what are the boundaries? Is your friendship with this person making your spouse insecure or jealous? What if the friendship starts to develop into something more? If there is danger of this friendship developing into something more, is it worth more than your marriage and your spouse?

These are all questions that should be considered if you're in a friendship with a person of the opposite sex when married. The second you stood on that altar before God and all of your friends and family, your marriage took precedence over everything, even your family and friends.

However, if you and your spouse are contemplating whether or not it's okay to have friends of the opposite sex here are a few things you might want to consider.

Boundaries

Boundaries. What do I mean by boundaries? Boundaries when it comes to opposite sex friendships in marriage means "rules" in a sense. I know this sounds ridiculous but hear me out.

For example, would you be okay if your spouse went to lunch with one of her male friends? Just the two of them? What about if your wife hung out with a group of her friends, and a few of them were male friends so she wasn't alone with him? Would you be okay with that? These are boundaries that should be set.

Boundaries should be set early on in a marriage. This prevents any type of confusion or misinterpretation from happening from the get go. For example, if you discuss them early on, your spouse can't be mad at you later on when you tell her that you feel uncomfortable with her having lunch with just her male friend.

Another good thing about setting boundaries is that it enhances communication between you and your spouse. As you probably know, good communication is one of the most important things you can have in a marriage, other than trust. If you and your spouse can learn to communicate with each other on difficult topics like setting boundaries with opposite sex friendships, you are already well ahead of the game.

Finally, setting boundaries let's your spouse know exactly how you feel about certain situations, such as your wife having a one on one lunch with one of her male friends or coworkers. Otherwise, your spouse may have no idea that you're not okay with this.

Contrary to popular belief, married couples are not psychic! Sometimes we really don't know how the other feels about something, until of course they both blow up and a huge fight erupts, in which case it's too late.

Jealousy and Insecurity

Jealousy, which often leads to insecurity, can rip a marriage apart. Just ask any married couple and they will probably tell you at one point or another that one of them, if not both of them, have become jealous and/or insecure at one point because of something their spouse did.

Jealousy is a nasty emotion. Song of Solomon 8:6 says, "Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm: for love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire, which hath a most vehement flame."

Jealousy is as cruel as the grave. Solomon is saying here that the grave is where people go when they die, right? Well, jealousy can ultimately end in the death of a marriage, which often times does.

Jealousy often occurs when two people of the opposite sex get along extremely well and laugh and joke together leaving the spouse to believe there is some type of connection going on or there seems to be more than just a "friendship" going on.

This is especially true when the spouse has a sexual attraction to their friend of the opposite sex, making it that much more difficult on the other spouse to deal with.

Is There a Sexual Attraction to the Friend?

This is where opposite sex friendships outside of marriage become very dangerous. When a spouse is physically and sexually attracted to his/her friend, it is that much harder to resist temptation.

Many times, adultery occurs when a married couple has an argument and one of the spouses turns to their friends for emotional support and comfort. Often times, the friend they turn to is a person of the opposite sex. Moreover, it is a person of the opposite sex that he or she is sexually attracted to!

As I mentioned in a previous post, one of the number one causes of divorce is abandonment. And what happens when a married couple is mad at each other? They sometimes emotionally shut down, which then leads one, or both spouses, to turn towards a friend for emotional support.

Turning towards a friend of the opposite sex for emotional support during a conflict with your spouse can be treading very dangerous waters, especially when it involves a friendship with an ex.

Secrecy

Husbands and wives, if you realize that your opposite sex friendship is getting to the point where it needs to be kept secret, YOU ARE ASKING FOR TROUBLE AND YOU SHOULD GET OUT NOW! If not, there is a very high possibility that your marriage WILL NOT survive.

Keeping secrets from your spouse about a friendship can be a huge indicator that the friendship is absolutely inappropriate. There should be no reason to keep a secret about an opposite sex friendship from your spouse. EVER.

I love what James says in James 1:14, "But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death." I know I quote a lot of Bible verses but it just so happens that God is right about EVERYTHING He says. Hmmmm.

Final Note

When you get married things change. Plain and simple. You and your wife are no longer just dating, but spiritually and emotionally connected to each other through the most sacred covenant you can have with God. So when deciding whether or not opposite sex friendships are okay in your marriage here are a few things you must consider (among many others):

- Boundaries - If you and your spouse decide that opposite sex friendships in marriage is okay, then you must set boundaries to ensure you are both on the same page.

- Jealousy and insecurity - If one of you becomes jealous and insecure, it may be a good time to cut off the friendship before it's too late and the marriage is destroyed. Typically, spouses become jealous and insecure for a reason...

- Is there sexual attraction to the friend? - If you are married and start becoming sexually attracted to one of your friends, cease that friendship immediately, unless that friendship is more important than your marriage...

- Secrecy - As soon as a spouse starts feeling that he/she must hide a friendship from their spouse, that friendships should probably be cut off immediately. Secrecy is a telltale sign that the friendship is inappropriate.

So what does God say to do when faced with temptation? Flee from it! Turn to God for wisdom. 1 Corinthians 10:13-14 says, "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

Notice how that verse says "common to man." God knows that temptation is strong, specifically within a marriage. There is nothing that God does not know about us, so if you are struggling with opposite sex friendships, turn to Him for guidance.

As always, please feel free to provide any questions/comments/concerns that you deem necessary so that others struggling with this in their marriage can get some first hand insight.

Thanks and God bless.

Brandon Cummo

Go to http://www.theperfectlyimperfectmarriage.com for tips and advice on marriage, relationships, and how to avoid becoming another divorce statistic!

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Brandon_Cummo

How can we find true friendships in this fast and selfish world? This world is not a permanent world and our life in this temporary world is very short like a thin string tied between two edges. In this time how can we find friends and friendships which are true and trustable. Friendships involve recognition or familiarity with another's personality. Friends must share likes and dislikes, interest, views, passion of their life and world. This gives a lot of recognition with the person whom we need have friendship.

How can we recognize potential friendships? There is a lot of symptoms which include mutual desire for companionship and perhaps a common bond in some topics similar to each other. Beyond that a genuine and mutual friendship involves a shared sense of caring and concern, a desire to see one another grow and develop, and a hope for each other to succeed in all aspects of life. True friendship involves action: doing something for someone else while expecting nothing in return; sharing thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or negative criticism.

True Friendship - Relationship, Trust, Accountability

True friendship involves relationships. Those mutual attributes we mentioned above become the foundation in which recognition transpires into relationship. Many people say, "Oh, he's a good friend of mine," yet they never take time to spend time with that "good friend." Friendship takes time: time to get to know each other, time to build shared memories, time to invest in each other's growth.

Trust is essential to true friendship. We all need someone with whom we can share our lives, thoughts, feelings, and frustrations. We need to be able to share our deepest secrets with someone, without worrying that those secrets will end up on the Internet the next day! Failing to be trustworthy with those intimate secrets can destroy a friendship in a hurry. Faithfulness and loyalty are key to true friendship. Without them, we often feel betrayed, left out, and lonely. In true friendship, there is no backbiting, no negative thoughts, no turning away.

True friendship requires certain accountability factors. Real friends encourage one another and forgive one another where there has been an offense. Genuine friendship supports during times of struggle. Friends are dependable. In true friendship, unconditional love develops. We love our friends no matter what and we always want the best for our friends.

True Friendship - Solution to every problems

If you have a true friendship with some singles or personals, then you don't need to worry about any problems that you face. A true friendship is often referred to the solutions that a person needs. When we are in trouble we can ask for soluton to the trustable true friends and friendship only. We can't expose our problems to others who are not having true friendship with us. But when we discuss our problem we get a solution from our friends, friends never expose our weekness and try to hide them from coming out. They give better solutions than others. We can discuss any problem with friends who are true in their friendship.

True Friendship - Real Help in needed time

A real true friendship offers helping hands to the friends who are in trouble. As I said it is a solution for problems, true friends are also the helpers for others. Friends never let us go sink into problems. Instead friends try to rescue us from problems by helping us. With friends and friendships there will be a common bonding named helping. Friends never runaway from problems of other friends.

Real and true friendship involves freedom of choice, accountability, truth, and forgiveness. Real friendship looks at the heart, not just the "packaging." Genuine friendship loves for love's sake, not just for what it can get in return. True friendship is both challenging and exciting. It risks, it overlooks faults, and it loves unconditionally, but it also involves being truthful, even though it may hurt. Genuine friendship, also called "agape" love, comes from the Lord. When we've offended a true friend - whether by breaking a trust or by speaking the truth with love - we risk losing that friendship. We must be careful not to break the trust. But when not speaking the truth will cause greater hurt in our friend's life, we must be willing to sacrifice our needs for those of our friend. That is true friendship.

So never offend any true friendship - try to get more true friendships in this earth.

Albert Arul prakash is a web developer and armed with lot of friends who is interested in more friendships. He trusts that friendships bring a lot of success in life. His personal website is http://bepenfriends.tripod.com and blog is http://bepenfriends.blogspot.com and my main upcoming website for friends is http://www.bepenfriends.com

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Every family member. Every neighbor. Every coworker. Every stranger. Every person is a potential friend.

Isn't it strange how the word "friend" conjures closer ties than words like relative, sibling, or even spouse? Yet it is even a double blessing when one's friend happens to also be a husband, wife or family member.

Friend. One of the sweetest words in any language, whatever it is called in that language. Friend. A person with whom you are in harmony, one accord. Someone that understands you, someone that you understand. One you are in rapport with. A friend is a human being who has become more human to you than anyone else. To become a friend is to become a person in a greater sense, at a deeper level, than merely being another human.

Friendship. Why don't we define or describe friendship as a "ship" with just friends on board? A ship that carries no other cargo but friends. Really, in true friendship, the two of you do feel like you have climbed into some kind of vessel that floats above and beyond the ordinary. Friendship. A simple network of two persons who have discovered a special chemistry for a relationship in which each person says things and acts in ways that benefit the other. The epitome and glory of a life aglow with unselfishness. Life at its peak and very best is friendship.

Yet there is an irony to friendship: the benefits of the birth of friendship can match the blight of the death of friendship. Just as many lives have been transformed by the discovery of true friendship, so many lives have been torn down by the destruction of the same. Therefore, to ease or lighten the blow of friendship's demise, it really behooves us to understand friendship in its many complex aspects and facets. Though friendship itself is a very simple human relationship, there is not much that is simplistic about the ingredients and tenets that go into making a great friendship.

First, there are various types of friendship with reference to time or timing. Every genuine friendship is a timely relationship. As such, a friendship can be seasonal, temporary, or permanent.

Seasonal friendship is one that is on and off, based on the season in either friend's life. Seasonal friendship is only useful and rewarding when the season is right, or else, one person or both become a bother.
Temporary friendship comes to an end after it has served its purpose. Attempts to prolong a temporary friendship may create disrespect for a friend, resentment or even enmity towards an ex-friend. It is often better to let a temporary friendship die, or you may find yourself playing the undertaker, regretting why you revived the corpse in the first place. Friendship can never be a forced relationship; so, when it's over, let it go.
Permanent friendship is the yearning of everyone who values friendship. Yet a lifelong friend is a treasure too few and far between. After more than 40 years on Planet Earth, I can claim about 3 permanent friends so far, and one of them is my wife. The average person so desires each and every friendship to be lifelong that she tries to force the issue and keep a friendship on life support, when it would be far better to eulogize the thing and just let it go to the trash bin of human relationships. When you find a truly permanent friendship, the circumstances and dynamics of that relationship will serve to sustain it over the years. No need to repair a temp friend to make him or her perm.
Second, every friendship has a basis on which it sits and rests. It is important to know what a friendship is based on. Friendship can be based on affinity, personality, common bond, need or interest.
In an affinity-based friendship, two friends just take a natural liking or attraction to each other. They just seem to click. It's a chemistry thing. This form of friendship tends to lean towards romantic involvement, though it may develop between two people who may never drag romance into it. Affinity friends do not have to be alike. In fact, they may actually be opposites, but as we know from magnetic poles, opposites can and do attract.
In a personality-based friendship, two individuals become friends because they are similar; they may both be reserved (introvert), outgoing (extrovert), or mediocre (average) for that matter. Or politically, they may be conservative, liberal or moderate in their views. They may both be secular, progressive, religious or traditional.
Common-bond friendship is one between persons of a similar ethnicity (two Hispanics), religion (two Muslims), church (two Baptists), nationality (two Chinese), team (two Celtics fans) or life experience (two refugees). Yes, birds of like feather do flock together.
In a need-based friendship, two persons came together because one of them had a need that the other helped meet. For example, you become friends with the person who paid for your stay at a motel when you lost your job or when you just got of jail. Need-based friendship can be an uncomfortable union of unequals, unless something happens for the two friends to switch roles, whereby the one who had received help before becomes the helper in a situation that puts the original helper at a point of need. For example, the guy who paid his friend's motel bill gets evicted by his landlord and has to lodge with his friend who now owns an apartment. Because of the usually one-sided nature of need-based friendship, it is often not a simultaneously enjoyable experience for both friends. Therefore, this form of friendship is often short-lived, if the "needy" and the "savior" do not switch hats throughout the relationship.
Interest-based friendship is one in which two friends share a common interest, which may be sports, music, career path, books, movies, travel, etc. This form of friendship is likely to terminate if one person replaces the interest that formed the basis of the relationship. For example, if you and I became friends primarily because we were members of the same band, our friendship may bite the dust if our band disbands. Interest-based friendship runs the risk of being very superficial, though it can become deep and meaningful if the parties put in the effort needed to keep it interesting.
Third, every real friendship has a purpose. A friendship should be active and mutual in order to fulfill its purpose. Why do humans become friends? Let's itemize the manifold purpose of friendship for the two persons involved:

Mutual assistance: friends are to help each other; a relationship of enablement is an abuse of friendship.
Motivation: friends encourage each other; they edify or build up each other; they inspire each other to succeed and excel beyond mediocrity.
Improvement: friends make each other better; friends sharpen each other; King Solomon described it as iron sharpening iron; friends improve each other's personhood, self-esteem, confidence or performance as iron sharpens iron.
Advancement or Progress: friends help each other move from one point to the other
Maturity: friends nurture each other to grow up, become mature, a more complete person.
Endurance: friendship is a coping mechanism; a true friend gives you the edge in difficult times, because she will strengthen and empower you to cope with some of life's toughest challenges; friends see each other through hardship, without being mere bystanders. Friendship can make the difference between surviving war, as prisoner of war, or life in a refugee camp.
Friendship that fails to somehow in some way make one or both friends better cannot be called genuine friendship. It may be a leech-connection, a sponge-bond, or codependency, but not friendship in the true sense of the concept. Any friendship that ceases to make one better no longer has any purpose for being kept alive.When friendship ends, former friends often become disappointed, or worse. But this need not be case. You can experience a better closure to the death of friendship, so that a little piece of your life does not die with every deceased friendship of your past. For this to happen, you need to look at the "failure" or downfall of every friendship differently. As serious as the death of a friendship is, it can be a time to refresh and regroup, without taking yourself off the shelf or display at Friendship Mall. Think, speak and believe ideas along these lines:
Resentment rejected: I refuse to be bitter or resentful towards my ex-friend.
Regret unnecessary: Instead of regret the end to our friendship, I choose to savor all the good times we spent together and the good things that came from our friendship when it was alive and well. Do the same thing that bereaved people do at funerals; moan the loss but cherish and treasure the precious memories.
Gratitude: I am grateful and thankful that our paths crossed and our lives connected; somehow I believe this world is a better place, because we met and shared our lives.
Not Abandoned: Just because our friendship has ended does not mean my ex-friend betrayed or abandoned me. It doesn't mean he did not appreciate all I did for him, or what we meant to each other. There may be things going on in her life that I can't or don't understand for now.
Purpose served: Our friendship has served a purpose. Perhaps it was meant to be only a temporary friendship, which is no less valuable than a permanent friendship.
Potential Friend: For my part, I refuse to consider my one-time friend an enemy. My ex-friend remains a potential friend, but I will leave that to the twists and turns of life.
Better Me: In the mean time, I will work on myself, so that the next person who is fortunate to have me as friend will have one of the best friends they ever had. Yes, I'll remain friendly and keep the entrance to friendship a double door, ready to fling wide open again if life would have it so.
Being a great friend means that you understand the value of friendship. It also means that you are aware of the type of friendship you are in, the basis for your friendship, the purpose of friendship, and how to bring positive closure to a fallen friendship.
Mogama, The African Thinker
The African Thinker

[http://www.dailywealthbuilder.com]

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He's your good friend. She's your best confidant. You have known each other for a few years and have shared meals, movies, hobbies and vacations. You have confided to each other about your latest love interest and turned to one another for support when the relationship(s) failed. You can't imagine life without your good friend.

But for a while....

You've felt jealous of his dates. You've been overprotective of her since she has been seeing the jerk. You've been having
very strong feelings of attraction and a desire for something more than friendship. Could it be that your feelings for him/her have grown into something more? If so, your relationship may have developed into a "friend crush".

You don't know what to do. You know you want to continue spending time together- more time. But it's getting hard. You fantasize about having more with this person and are beginning to feel like a jealous would-be partner. Do you pretend everything is the same? Do you start distancing yourself- hoping your feelings will go back to the way they were? Do you actually TALK directly and honestly with your friend about how you feel?

What will happen to the relationship if you make the WRONG choice?

Just as all people are unique, so are the characteristics of their relationships with others. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this increasingly common dilemma. So, let's take a look at your options. You can:

* ignore your feelings, keep your boundaries in check and pretend everything is status quo

In order to choose this option, you must be able to deny your feelings so well that even you don't know what they are. You will also have to continue being comfortable on the sidelines while someone else has the relationship with this person that you desire. You will most likely be asked what you think of this or that person and be expected to be happy and supportive of your friend when they meet the right someone for them. In return for all this, you will still have your friend.

* begin to spend less time with your friend (crush) while seeking out new friendships to pursue and strengthen

This option will most likely cause confusion and hurt on the part of your friend who will wonder what happened. They may be understanding and accepting of your need to spread your wings and support you in doing what you need to do. Either way, you will see less of them and your relationship can weaken and perhaps disappear altogether as they move on with new people. If you can distance yourself for a while and no longer feel the romantic butterflies, you can always give them a call and may be able to pick up somewhere near where you left off.

* continue the relationship with your own hidden agendas - a desire for romantic intimacy and the hope that the person will realize that they feel the same way

If they become involved with someone else in the meantime, you can work to sabotage their new relationship or you can leave them wondering where all your anger and hurt feelings are coming from. You can spend a lot of time and energy handling it this way, without anything to show for your efforts but the loss of a good friend.

* have an open and honest discussion with your friend regarding your new feelings for them

This is the choice that seems to be the hardest for folks to make. Often what I hear from people in this position is that they fear "ruining the friendship" if they discuss their feelings honestly. While this is a very understandable concern, it isn't well thought out. It is emotional, not rational. Look again at the other options. Every one will bring about a change in your current friendship.

Why?

Once your feelings have changed, so does the relationship. Ignoring them, hiding them or distancing yourself will lessen your closeness and the positive dynamics that flow between good friends. You can't go back. You need to decide how you want to move forward or if this is an option for you. . It is also possible in choosing this option that you will learn that they have similar feelings for you that they were afraid to reveal. Therefore choosing this option could result in romance and a love relationship based on true friendship.

Intimacy exists in all close relationships. It is the ability to be completely open and vulnerable to another without fear of harm or rejection. So, by definition, we cannot be intimate with another while hiding or denying our true feelings and needs to them.

The choice will always be yours. Choosing wisely is about really knowing the options, the consequences they bring and what will be best for you and your friend.

Toni Coleman, MSW is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship coach and founder of http://www.consum-mate.com. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including: The Chicago Tribune, The Orlando Sentinel, New York Daily News, Indianapolis Star and Newsweek newspapers and Family Circle, Woman's Day, Cosmo Style, Tango, Men’s Health, Star (regularly quoted body language expert), and Nirvana magazines. She has been featured on abcnews.com; discovery.health.com; aolnews.com; MSN.com, Match.com and planetearthradio.com. Toni offers dating help and relationship advice as the weekly love and dating coach on the KTRS Radio Morning Show (St. Louis, MO) and through her syndicated column, “Dear Dating Coach.” Her newsletter, The Art Of Intimacy, helps over fifty-five hundred subscribers with its dating and relationship advice. Toni is a member of The International Coach Federation, The International Association Of Coaches and The National Association of Social Workers.

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Friendship is a beautiful thing but do you wish your circle of friends was larger? We all have varying degrees of friendship. Some friendships are really close whilst others can be considered just acquaintances. Sometimes friendships aren't what they seem, and when the sugar coating is gone all your left with is wishing you had genuine friends that also liked you. Remember good friendships take time to build, so if you're looking for an honest and long lasting friendships here are a few tips in finding good quality friendships.

Start by smiling. A happy person does attract attention as people are naturally drawn to warm friendly faces. A smile is usually a non threatening gesture and it's a perfect way to communicate when you're wanting to attract new friendships.

The art of meeting new people can be a little nerve wracking, so always try to remember their name. The next time you meet you make a point of saying hello using their name, I am sure this will leave a lasting impression. For new friendships this is very important. This lets the other person know they were important enough that you remembered them. Don't forget to reassure them by introducing yourself again as this will instantly break the ice.

When the conversation starts, let them do all the talking. You want to be attentive and not talk over the top of them. It's easy to talk, but even harder to be a great listener. They will appreciate you listening to them and being interested in what's going on in their life. By showing a genuine interest in this new friendship they have the same vested interest.

Remember friendship is all about give and take, so give more and expect less. A friendship should never be based on what someone else can do for you, this type of friendship is selfish. Friendships like this are usually one sided, so don't expect the person to change to suit your needs. Expect less from this friendship and make new friends that have similar values on friendship.

As you will discover there are varying degrees of friendships, some people touch our lives briefly whilst others are more permanent. Some friendships stand the test of time because both people have a mutual understanding. This is hard to know when new friendships are being formed, however your sixth sense can detect if a friendship is going to be superficial or worth pursuing.

Catherine have been writing content for her own websites and for others for two years now. This author enjoys writing about crafts, design, women's apparel, the environment, pets, health, insurance and anything else that sparks her interest. Check out my Toeless Stockings [http://www.toelessstockings.com] website and also save money on Toeless Panty Hose [http://www.toelessstockings.com/toelesspantyhose.html] in the latest styles, colors and sizes.

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When you are younger friendship seemed to come naturally. You sat next to each other every day in math class, you both wore a green shirt to school, you're a similar age to a co worker in the office or you latch on to the friends of your chosen partner. As we grow up and go through life it becomes harder to make lasting connections with people. Your life can turn into a sea of acquaintances in the blink of an eye. No matter how many pottery classes you take, gym classes you join or volunteer session you do it can be very hard to make lasting friendships with people.

Don't stress! There are lots of ways to make new friends in our age by following a few simple steps and keeping a positive mind in your mission to find new friends.

Tip 1) Initial contact is the most important step! Although it may seem weird to say to someone of the same sex would you like to go for coffee sometime. If you add that you are new in town and don't know people or that your best gal pal moved away and you are looking for some more female time to talk about the latest Brad Pitt movie can help to ease the situation.

Tip 2) Smile! We've all heard it and we all know it but we all too often forget that a smile to a stranger is the best way to appear friendly and approachable.

Tip 3) Be a Yes person! Much like the movie of the same name, start saying yes to invites you get, classes you get invited to or after work get together. Although you may not initially feel comfortable getting out of the house and off the couch watching TV is the best way to meet new people you wouldn't normally meet. Make a point of saying more 'Yes' than 'no' when it comes to social invites.

Tip 4) Go virtual! There are lots of website outs there that allow you to log and connect with others. Try joining an online forum or searching for websites that allow you to make friends locally.

Tip 5) Once you have met someone interesting it takes time and patience to get that person to become a friend. The best way to do this is to listen and ask questions. Remember that most people favorite subject is themselves. Try and focus the conversation or discussion constantly back to the person. Ask them about the jewelery they are wearing. When they mention something in passing, go back and focus on it. "When i traveled to Africa... " "You've been to Africa? What was that like?" Take a genuine interest in the other person and you will never run out of things to talk about.

Tip 6) Be Patient! Studies have shown that it takes at least 6 meetings with a person before you will develop friendly feelings with them. Pick a new movie and invite the friend along, ask them to dinner after class the following week etc. Don't expect your friendship to blossom over night.

With a little bit of time, smiles and activity you are sure to meet and make some new friends in your life.

Amanda Blain is the president and founder of Girlfriend Social a website that allows women to make female friendship and make friends. She has extensive experience in coaching individuals in the ways of friendship.

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Moving can be a very stressful time for any family, especially if it's to an unfamiliar area where you don't know anyone. It's easy to feel lost and alone when you move, even when moving with family members. Every day all you see is strangers who already seem to be part of lifelong friendships, and you feel like there's no place for you in the established community. Children find it somewhat easier to make friends in strange places, but sometimes even they can feel like some kind of a freak. All this can cause severe homesickness for the old and comfortable life you used to have. In order to make the transition to a new place a little easier, there are a few tips that will help you find new friends.

The easiest way to start meeting people is by knocking on your neighbors' doors. Don't sit around and fret that they don't make the first move by showing up at your door with plates of homemade cookies. That just doesn't happen very often any more. Instead, make the first move. Even if you feel a bit shy, chances are they feel that way, too. You don't have to make long visits. Just enough to introduce yourself as their new neighbor and find out who they are. Often they will end up telling you more about the schools, the neighborhood, the children that live nearby, their church, or community events. Everything you learn will make you feel more at home.

Don't forget networking, either. Talking to neighbors or people at work about your interests may help you find a niche in the community that you hadn't anticipated. They may be able to hook you up with others who share your interests and activities. Also, if they invite you to church or to go with them to organization meetings, take them up on their invitation if it's something you're interested in doing. Churches are exceptionally good places to meet other people, to get your children involved in youth groups where they'll make friends, and to get involved. Tuck the name of everyone you meet carefully into your mind so that you'll begin to hear others talk about people you're at least familiar with.

Be sure to invite people into your home. It doesn't have to look perfect, and the food doesn't have to be anything fancy, but it's a great way to get to know people better. Even though your children will meet new friends at school, it's still great if you allow them to bring friends home to spend social time with. Play dates are always a good idea. You have lots of tools at your disposal for making new friends after moving, but you have to make the effort to use them.

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Friendship is an essential part of life. Through loving relationships, we gain greater self-worth and learn how to interact with the society at large. Unfortunately, making friends is a lost art. Few people know how to establish new relationships. This article discusses the joy of friendship and how to make friends.

True friendship leads to a joyful life. When you learn to draw close to other people, you will be more fulfilled and your heart will be set free to laugh. When one person makes an intimate connection with another he or she are filled with a sense of wholeness; they feel complete and accepted by society at large.

The regrettable reality of our society is that few really know how to make close friendships. Relationships can be sticky. People get defensive and do selfish things for the purpose of self-protection and self-preservation. This means we erect walls to guard our emotions and our fragile self-images. In order to get some sense of satisfying, personal interaction with others, many have turned to the television and movies for a vicarious experience. However, getting lost in the stories of others cannot truly replace a good friendship.

In order to make good friends you will need to display some of the following traits:

1. You will need to be friendly and genuinely interested in other people.

2. You will need to be open and vulnerable, willing to share your whole life with the other person.

3. You will need to have a good sense of humor and learn to laugh at yourself.

4. You will need to learn the lost art of conversation.

5. You will need to learn to be loyal when your friend is not present i.e. never gossip about the other person's shortcomings.

Friendship is a necessary part of life. We were never meant to live as islands or to be lone rangers. Learning how to make friends will lead you to a deep sense of fulfillment.

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Every friend you have will teach you a variety of things about how to be a better friend and what kind of things you'd like to have in a friend. Some of the qualities you might look for in a friend might be things like having common interests and activities; being a good listener; and having a willingness to work on the friendship to improve it.

Shhhh, It's A Secret!

One of the qualities to look for in a friend is being able to talk about anything and everything. You want to be able to trust and have faith that whatever you talk about with your friend will stay between the two of you.

If you are going to share something personal that you don't want others to know, make sure you communicate very clearly, that it is important to you that she keep the information to herself. If it is something too personal to be sharing, you might want to consider very carefully what to share with your friends. If a friend breaks this trust it is hard to trust that friend going forward.

Are they talking about you?

If you see your friend talking to another friend of theirs, don't assume that they are talking about you. There are many things they could be talking about like homework, what they're doing for activities or just even a new song they like.

Is she still your friend?

Sometimes when your friends speak to other friends, you might wonder if she will continue to be friends. Just because your friend is talking to other friends or spending time with other friends does not mean they will no longer be your friend. You will have a variety of friends throughout your life and they will have different purposes.

Your A.C.T.I.O.N. Step:

Write in your journal which qualities you would like in your friends and which qualities you have that make you a good friend. When something happens to end a friendship, write about your feelings, then rip it up and let it go. Ask yourself the following questions and journal the answers. This will help you in future friendships.

"What did you learn from this experience?"

"Which qualities did this friend have that you did not like?"

"Which qualities did this friend have that you did like?"

Affirmations Empower You!

Write down this affirmation and say it over and over. Affirmation: "I trust and I have faith that every friend will teach me an important lesson about being the best kind of friend that I can be."

Most importantly you must choose to trust and have faith that you will meet new friends. There are plenty of "friends in the sea"; you'll see.


Wendy Collier, B. Ed. is the Author and Illustrator of the Self-Esteem Angel Book Series for Children which are fictional stories with self-esteem concepts weaved into the plot. Collier's experiences as a former Teacher and Professional Speaker is evident in the effective tools and skills she shares. Help your children succeed in school and life with these valuable self-esteem resources. Order online at http://SelfEsteemAngel.com or Download E-Books at http://BarnesandNoble.com

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It's common to be enthusiastic when you are introduced to a new friend or discover you share interests with another woman. It's no secret that woman to woman friendships can be very deep, supportive and long lasting. Boyfriends and marriages come and go, but deep friendships last forever. We must face that all friendships aren't meant to last. There are plenty of women who are just not interested in being your girlfriend.

Here are four red flags that she's just not that interested in being your girlfriend.

1. She answers your phone call with "Could I call you right back?" and never does.

I realize that there are many reasons for the hesitance of one person to pursue friendship with another. More than once I have been that person who didn't return calls or who declined to get any closer to someone. Your friend may be going through tough times and just needs space to sort it out. As I get older I'm not willing to build relationships with toxic or needy people.

It's not your job to psychoanalyze. Just respect the other person's need for distance.

2. She only goes to lunch when a mutual friend is in town, but doesn't stay in touch in between.

You are clearly a fringe friend, but not the central one. Get over it and move on.

3. When you both work at the same job you have lunch together everyday and talk on the phone frequently, but the relationship dwindles when you move on to another job or another town.

One coworker once confessed that she had close girlfriends when she lived in Arkansas and then in New Orleans, but since moving to California she hasn't stayed in touch. When I asked her why not, she said, "I just don't write." (This was long before email, but not before telephones.) Although she enjoyed these relationships when it was convenient, she just didn't care enough to sustain them when they required effort.

4. She doesn't show up at all for lunch or movie dates.

This is the girlfriend who is notoriously late, and has even been a no-show. This person doesn't care about your time or feelings. How long will you wait for this person to show? How many times must this person flake before you call it quits?

Friendships take on many forms and have many purposes.

Some of our girlfriends will be once in a while encounters; others will be deep intimate ones with whom we can disclose our innermost thoughts.

Sometimes we outgrow friendships or see our friends in a new light or no longer will tolerate the dysfunction we once forgave. It would be great if we could be honest and inform our friend, but this is difficult and maybe not always helpful.

It's important to recognize when someone-girlfriend or otherwise-is just not interested in you. Relationships take work, time and energy. The sooner you recognize when another woman is just not that into being your friend, the sooner you can make room for nurturing mutually satisfying relationships.

Get a free e-book, "It's About Time: Managing Your Time to Create the Happy Life You Deserve" when you sign up for your free Weekly Newsletter Then listen to inspiring interviews on my weekly radio show on Mondays at 11AM PST at BlogTalkRadio.com/florabrown.

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At some point in our lives, we feel like we want to start fresh. You feel like it is time you did things differently and maybe changed your friends. Maybe not changing your friends but finding new friendships that will bring you that new spark of adventure. Finding new friendships should not be difficult at all. However, you will need lots of patience. When you move to a new place, you feel like you are from out of space but, after a while, you will start to ease into the community as you establish new contacts and friends. It really does not matter what place or circumstance you are at in your life; you can find new friends who will suit you right. When it comes to connecting with new people, you have to look deep within yourself and find out what you really want in a friendship. You need to ask yourself whether you deserve the friends you are hoping for. If you are ready to go, make sure that your attitude is fixed; your attitude should be positive. Confidence will allow you to ride through people as you get to connect with them.

The first challenge for many is perhaps where to find new friendships. You might look around and see faces of people who are too busy doing their own stuff. The world might be cold but, it is possible to conquer and get to break the ice and establish real and new friendships. First, you should never judge a book by its cover. Those people you see around going their businesses are not all bad. Before you judge them, why not introduce yourself to them. It is vital for you to read the mood and if you go interrupting them rudely, you might not get the success you want. Therefore, the best places to meet people are where they are relaxed. For example, parks are good places where you can meet people. When people are at rest, they might not want to be disturbed but, they will appreciate a stranger who is kind to them. Looking for friends like this can prove to be difficult. This is because you are not sure whether you are really compatible with them. Therefore, why not join clubs or services for people who are looking for friends.

New friendships can also be established online. The Internet is like never before playing the role of bringing people together for the sake of friendship. There are countless online services that you can log on to if you wish to meet people. This is a platform that can prove to be very overwhelming and, you will meet with people from all over the world. Keep your focus and seek to have deep friendships which are based on mutual trust and understanding. With time, you will be in a position to decide which new friends are working for you and which ones are not. You will then have the option of progressing with the friends you see compatible with you. Make sure you have fun even as you start on a new chapter in your life.

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